some days i wonder what i'll be like when i'm grown up.

for some reason, i get the feeling that i'll always wonder that, regardless of how much older or even more mature i get. when i was real little and people would ask me what i wanted to be when i grew up, i'd tell them i wanted to be a firetruck, maybe i just thought it was a cool word because it started with an f and ended with a u-c-k. in any case, i wouldn't be deterred, when people said "don't you mean a fireman? i'd say, "nope, i wanna be a firetruck."

later i learned that i couldn't be a firetruck, and that the task of becoming one would require some sort of perverse pinocchio process where i would turn from a real boy to an inanimate object. i didn't want that, so i changed my mind, i changed it more than a few times, most people do.

when you're a kid growing up is funny, because you think that once you do, you'll somehow have everything you need figured out figured out, that somehow life will be infinitely easier than it is at the present. i remember being ten or eleven and wishing that the next morning i'd wake up and be twenty-one, like in that awful tom hanks movie, i'd say the one where he plays a retard, but that wouldn't narrow it down any. it's probably the perception of autonomy that's the huge draw there.

what's so paradoxical, at least as far as i can tell, is that with wisdom comes the sense that, even though we gain more knowledge, learn more, the more we learn, the more we become aware of the magnitude of what we don't know.

i think it was jaws, the hanks retard movie, that is.

feeling: temporal
thinking of: october
music: "into the great wide open" tom petty and the heartbreakers