Wednesday, August 10, 2005

i should be a contractor.

for real. at least that way i could be the one to build what no doubt deserves to be an absolutely hulking monument to my laziness. you might notice that the last time i was here was late last year, sometime in december, the 22nd to be exact. the end of that day's entry said that there would be subsequent ones soon to follow within the next few days.. well, like i said, that was at the end of last year, so i s'pose the next few months would have been a more accurate descriptor of the time that's elapsed between that entry and this one.

i don't guess there's really any easy way to say what it is i want (wanted??) to say. and i suspect that's mostly on accout of i was an absolute mess at that time. i remember pretty vividly feeling extremely beat up and worn down. i hesitate to say that any period of time was the hardest of my life or anything like that, but the nine or ten months starting sometime around february was nothing short of ridiculous, and as the weeks and months went by, stuff kept piling up on top of itself and each revelation seemed to grow more unbelievable and disheartening than the last. the end of a year, any year, being what it is lends itself to providing tons of opportunities for recollection and when i thought about everything that had happened in the year that had passed, i just sort of marveled at how i survived it and that despite the toll it had taken on me emotionally, i was somehow able to keep a halfway decent attitude and not go completely nuts.

that, i realize, is, in large part, no thanks at all to me. i really can't begin to tell you how exceedingly easy having a rotten attitude was (is?) especially when prompted to think about certain events or circumstances or people. the fact that i didn't go completely nuts is more a credit to the people around me than i suspect any of them realize.

there's a part of the old testament, the entire book of first chronicles to be exact, that's pretty much nothing but a list of names. whenever i'd find myself in that part of the bible, i'd be inclined to skip it, mostly on account of it's painfully boring. when i was at wheaton i heard jerry root give a chapel message on that passage, and he said he felt the same way whenever he got to that part of the bible, too. then he made a point that i didn't expect, he said that those people's names were there because God really cared about who they were, their names were important to him because they were important to him and he wanted us to know about them and see the same things in them that he saw.

that's how i feel about the rest of this entry and more specifically and significantly, the people who are mentioned in it. it might not mean anything at all to anyone but me, but it means a ton to me, and in any case the debt i owe these people really can't at all be overstated.

*kristy for giving me something to look forward to starting in about august. the second time my car got stolen she took me to work and brought me breakfast. that was after she got pissed at me for walking to and from work the day before, going as far as to leave a message saying "you better not be walking home right now."

*jessica for being a way solid friend and her family for thanksgiving.

*kacey for bringing me back to my roots and challenging me in pretty much every way i thought imaginable, and probably lots more. also for perspective. he knew better than a lot of people what life was like for me and when i told him i'd resigned, the first thing he said was "you've been set free."

*jeremy, tommy, cody and justin for burgers and soccer and coffee and hot chocolate and movies and tons of other stuff.

*stacy for being just about the only one with a clue.and brian and marla for wisdom and untold amounts of support. other parents like chuck and eleanor, nancy, scott and laurie, chris, bridget and steve, ty and julann, jay and nora, dave and nicole, steve and kathy. chris and kimberlyn for representing Jesus in ways that staggered me.

*adam and randy for an ear and their wisdom. gregg headley for the same. jaroy for the conversations at the adam's mark in dallas on october 9 and 10 and looking out for me despite being the second busiest guy i've ever met. link for insight and tons of useless and useful conversation.

*mike for the stuff he said to me on october 31.

*the network, more specifically al and laura at YFC, tim and shelley at first baptist in lakewood, brandon from calvary in north long beach, darrin from cottonwood, john at long beach christian fellowship, mark at bethany and eric at life center. i wish the people i worked with could have done half as much for me as this crew did.

as i write it's sometime around half past 2AM, so there are no doubt people who belong on this list that are casualties of my own wee-hours-of-the morning-induced oversight. slight consolation may come in the fact that i suspect nearly everybody mentioned won't ever happen across this corner of the web, which is ok, at least right this second anyway.

next time i'm here i suspect will bring a list of some people who get no thanks, mostly because everybody deserves recognition, even those who treat you like shit. i'm not making any promises as to when that will be, you know, track record and all.

Sunday, July 31, 2005

it's just gas escaping

it would appear that i've lost my SoCal stalkers.

and apparently, i've become quite popular in norway.

more to come. unless i get a better offer.

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

happy birthday to you
happy birthday to you
happy birthday dear jesus
happy birthday to you.

today is christmas.

there will be a magic show at zero-nine-thirty. chaplain charlie will tell you about how the free world will conquer communism with the aid of God. . .and a few marines. God has a hard-on for marines, because we kill everything we see. he plays his games, we play ours. to show our appreciation for so much power, we keep heaven packed with fresh souls. God was here before the marine corps, so you can give your heart to Jesus, but your ass belongs to the corps.


ok, so it's not christmas, not just yet anyway, although i hear it's the day after the day after tomorrow. i can't be sure, i can count the number of times i've gotten out of bed since the end of october on one hand, but that's neither here nor there i guess. so here's my deal, i know i've shut down this site, what with the whole "last post" deal that you can find just below, but i've also been unemployed which means a couple things that are at least tangentially pertinent, at least beyond the fact that my job made writing here a liability. first is that i'm not going home, pretty much on account of i don't have any money to make it there. my mom offered to get me a ticket, but i declined, there were some pretty solid reasons i had for doing that, despite the fact that i'd honestly love to be home for any reason, even more so for the holidays.

the second reason might seem a bit more nebulous to those without access to my thoughts, but it's totally lucid in my own mind, at least until i try to articulate it. mostly it's a confluence of the fact that i don't have any money to get anybody anything, along with the fact that i can't begin to think of an adjective that would describe what this year has been, and anytime i'm at a loss for words, then shite's definitely nuts. anyway, i felt like this would be the best place to express that stuff.

so i guess this would be a reprieve of sorts, maybe a stay of execution, or a last meal before i take the postmodern nightmare out behind the shed and blow his brains out once and for all. what i figure to do for the next few days or so is sort of review this year, focusing more on people than events. i'm not certain how it's gonna look just yet, but i'm actually pretty stoked to be doing it. once that's done, i'll start writing regularly, http://raggedones.blogspot.com, i figure the first post or few will be sort of an inverse of these next few here, a pretty detailed account of this year, more chronicling events that it was wiser to keep my mouth shut about whenever they were happening, essentially all the ridiculousness that led me to step down from my job. i suspect that'll come sometime early next year.

for now though, it's just good to be back.

Friday, October 01, 2004

puttin out fires with gasoline. . .

take a deep breath. maybe you'll even need to sit down.

this will be the final post here. i won't go into detail right here this second other than to say that my hand was forced, and if you want to know the deal, chances are all you have to do is ask me. anyways, i was thinking not too long ago about how lightly i have to tread writing here and how much i censor myself given the constituency of the readership, i mean my parents read here. well, it's not anything i have to think about anymore.

i feel like it's unfortunate, i really did like writing here and being able to do this for the last year and a half or so has been something i've relished doing. i'm not certain that it's made me a better writer, but it's been nice to have a record of some of the stuff i was thinking and feeling whenever i was thinking and feeling it, as well as the sounding board that the forum provided. and on top of all that, i was a really big fan of the name "postmodernnightmare" or at least the concept it repesented in my own mind, so leaving that behind hurts me a little bit, but maybe i'm just weird.

in any case, there won't be any updates here after today, all the links i've got to this spot will be taken down before next week, the site will be left up, solely for the sake of posterity, i don't think i can completely take it down anyway, so bookmark it if you'd like, because like i said, i'm taking down all the links to it. condolences for the postmodern nightmare will be accepted, i guess through email, i'll stop short of establishing a memorial fund :-) i'll start writing again at some point, likely in the not too terribly distant future, let me know if you want to know whenever and wherever i get that going, i'm gonna need to excercise a bit more control over access, so i won't be posting the address anywhere, so if you're interested, you'll have to tell me.

thanks to anyone who's read here, even if you were searching for some sordid mention of nicole richie or something like that. even more thanks to people who've provided any sort of inspiration, pretty much anybody who's been mentioned by name, you know who you are, and if you don't, feel free to ask..

if you ever want to kick it in long beach, let me know, i'll even let you have the bed and i'll take the couch. bring friends, i'll make guacamole, from scratch if you want.

feeling: incomplete
thinking of: something else
music: "she must and shall go free" derek webb

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

mostly because i haven't done one of these in a while. . .


1. First Name: riqui

2. Were you named after anyone? my dad and my mom

3. Do you wish on stars? nah

4. When did you last cry? last i remember was february, but i'm pretty sure it's been more recent than that

5. Do you like your handwriting? tons

6. What is your favorite lunch meat? turkey

7. What is your birth date? august 3, 1980

8. What is your most embarrassing CD? dunno, probly something by amy grant from when i was like in seventh or eighth grade

9. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? no doubt

10. Are you a daredevil? not in the adrenaline junkie sense necessarily

11. Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell? not that i recall

12. Do looks matter? there's no way around it

13. How do you release anger? writing, talking to one of a handful of friends

14. Where is your second home? where i live now

15. Do you trust others easily? not as much as i used to

16. What was your favorite toy as a child? probly my baseball glove, tho i'm not sure it's a toy

17. What class in high school do you think was totally useless? probly chemistry

18. Do you have a journal? http://postmodernnightmare.blogspot.com

19. Do you use sarcasm a lot? probly more often than i should

20. Favorite movie(s)? the princess bride, tombstone

22. What are your nicknames? riqui, riq, rickwall, don ricardo, tons of others from way back

23. Would you bungee jump? nah

24. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? not generally

26. Do you think that you are strong? i am a freakin hoss

27. What's your favorite ice cream flavor? blue bell cookies and cream

28. Shoe Size? 9

29. What are your favorite colors? blue, brown, grey

30. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? depends on the day

31. Who do you miss most? good gravy, everyone

32. Do you want everyone you send this to send it back? or comment i guess

33. What color pants are you wearing? blue

34. What are you listening to right now? "motel room" and "the opposite's true" by bill mallonee

35. Last thing you ate? a chocolate chip cookie

36. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? burnt orange

37. What is the weather like right now? breezy

38. Last person you talked to on the phone? name witheld

39. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? eyes and shoulders

40. Do you like the person who sent this to you? indeed

41. How Are You Today? fabulous, glowing according to kacey

42. Favorite Drink? water

43. Favorite Sport? soccer, boxing, baseball

44. Hair Color? dark brown/black

45. Eye Color? brown

46. Do you wear contacts? nah

48. Favorite Food? bbq & potato salad

49. Last Movie You Watched? the boondock saints

50. Favorite Day of the Year? one in october

51. Scary Movies OR Happy Endings? happy endings

52. Summer OR Winter? winter

53. Hugs OR Kisses? both

55. What Is Your Favorite Dessert? chocolate chip cookies

56. Who Is Most Likely To Respond? dunno

57. Who Is Least Likely To Respond? dunno

58. Living Arrangements? one bedroom apt

59. What Book(s) Are You Reading? the divine conspiracy dallas willard

60. What's On Your Mouse Pad? tigger

62. What Did You Watch Last night on TV? like five minutes of the cowboy game

63. Favorite Smells? vanilla, girl

64. Rolling Stones or Beatles? do i have to?

65. Do you believe in Evolution or Creationism? does believing in one preclude believing in the other?

66. What's the furthest you've been from home? guanajuato, gto mexico; portland,oregon. i dunno which one is further and i'm too lazy to look em up.

Monday, September 27, 2004

is it weird that i put on my pajamas when i get out of bed?

i did a roundoff today, i couldn't even do one when i was a cheerleader.

last week i thought i sucked at life, i've backed off a little on that, but the jury's still out.

feeling: not bad
thinking of: some girl probly
music: "shifting sand" caedmon's call

Saturday, September 25, 2004

i'm out of salsa.

this is just miserable.

feeling: stunned
thinking of: the horns
music: "texas fight"