so i got lost.

you'll notice, or maybe you won't, i won't presume to tell you what to do, that entries have been sparse here pretty much all month, not even sparse so much as non-existent. so anyways, there's no triumphant return, just this, a bit of frustration at my lack of discipline. i did write a few things while i was "gone," i don't like any of them that much, so i'll probly end up only posting two or three of them, one about baseball, one about being brown, and maybe one about the reaction to krispy kreme's decision to do away with the free donut policy, all back-dated of course, as is my way.

it's funny, when i made it, i had no idea that the last entry i made, the lyrics from "welcome to struggleville," would end up seeming pretty appropriate for the last few weeks, not that anything's been a terrible struggle or anything like that, more busy-ness than anything else and the most frustrating thing about it, at least with the blog was that those are/were the kinda times for which i specifically created this thing. maybe a little bit more specifically, there was other stuff that was frustrating too, and i figure i used some of that as somewhat of an excuse to not write but it's the kind of stuff i think i would have benefitted from writing about. i'm torn about that mostly because i've had some of my most insightful conversations with different people in the last month or so, and my memory being what it is, i like being able to simply remember those conversations.

anyways, i'm rambling, so now you know that i'm back.

feeling: familiar
thinking of: integrity
music: "one headlight" wallflowers

i'm a brown person.

that's overly simplistic i know, but i figure it's just easier to say that than it is to say latino or hispanic or mexican or something like that and have the pc police get all pissy or something like that. on top of that, it doesn't seem to be terribly relevant to much of anything. gimme a minute, cause i'll make the connection.

anyways, i've been getting these emails in my inbox, maybe you've gotten them too, they're the ones that show a name that you know in the sender field and have an offer for free movie tickets. it's usually indicated in the subject line with a phrase something like "hey go here and we'll get free movie tickets!" and then if you don't go there, i dunno where, i never went, i'll get into that in a minute i guess, then you get subsequent emails with subject lines like "last chance for free movie tickets!" or the less conspicuous "invitation," ostensibly to get you to go there and get free movie tickets.

so like i said, i never end up going, though a couple of times i'd open the email, even though i knew i possessed no designs on clicking the link inside. the whole thing reminded me of a george lopez bit where he'd talk about mexican people being distrustful of anything like a sweepstakes or an offer for free stuff, the fear was that anything like that was a front for the INS to get your name and address and stuff and ship you back across the border like they did with cheech.

on the other hand, i could be missing out on a chance to teach some asian guys to be cholos.

feeling: suspicious
thinking of: escape
music: "born in east L.A." cheech

spring starts today.

technically it started a couple weeks or so ago. you'd never know it by the weather here, which seems to be the customary way people distinguish between seasons, but this is california and what i tell people when they ask about the weather is that there are two seasons here: the one where the high is sixty and the one where the low is sixty.

that's not the case everywhere though, i remember when i lived in illinois, snow would be on the ground well into april, which is to say well into the spring, when it's really s'posed to be more of a winter thing. so other than the weather, and in the absence of the calendar of course, the only real surefire way to tell if it's spring is whenever baseball season starts.

it's funny, i don't even think i like baseball that much, i'm not a die hard by any stretch, like if someone was to ask me "hey do you like baseball?" i'd likely say something along the lines of "i guess, it's ok." i wrote about my affinity for the rangers, and since i live out of the area, they come on tv infrequently enough, usually only when they play the angels, that i'll usually make a point to watch the whole game whenever they're on.

beyond that, i'm not sure what the appeal is and why it seems to be such a landmark. maybe it's just that, it's a landmark, like one of those things that provides a familiar sort of comfort. it's like the feeling i'd get when i'd cross from arkansas into texas on a drive home from wheaton, one of those things that just sorta tells you that the universe is working the way it's supposed to, which is exactly the kind of feeling whose significance can never be underestimated.

feeling: content
thinking of: being seven years old
music: "found out about you" gin blossoms

all is quiet on the western front,
there appears to be a lull.
john and jane doe are sleeping well tonight
with the little thoughts inside their skulls.

salome she's undressed to the nines
although a few pounds fatter.
she's got pavlov's bells on her ankles and wrists,
she coming at you with her platter.

i stole down to the waterfront
to escape the desert heat.
what on earth you gotta do around here
to try and get yourself a drink?

heard john the baptist preaching
"make way for the king,
but if you wanna recognize him,
you gotta tell me all your sins"

they are building a new gallows
for when you show up on the street.
polishing the electric chair,
they're gonna give you a front row seat.

heard a sneer outside the garden;
salutation so well-heeled:
"welcome all you suckers to struggleville"

i've been trying to negotiate peace
with my own existence.
she's gotta stockpile full of weaponry;
she breaking every cease-fire agreement.

the whole thing is full of decay
just as sure as i'm made of dust,
and into rust i know the beast is falling.

they are building a new gallows
for when you show up on the street.
polishing the electric chair,
they're gonna give you a front row seat.

heard a sneer outside the garden;
salutation so well-heeled:
"final stop! no points beyond struggleville,
welcome all you suckers to struggleville"

in the hole from the beginning/wherever
truth shows up, it'll go on the chopping block.

--"welcome to struggleville" vigilantes of love