i was trying really hard.

i've been in a weird mood lately, or moods, just sort of fluctuating between pretty good and just sort of deflated with a few really sweet moments mixed in. anyways, i was trying really hard to write about it, but nothing i was saying at all seemed to capture adequately what i wanted to convey, so i've got an entry drafted that's sort of a stream of consciousness rambling that i may or may not post in the next few days or so, i ain't sure.

mostly i think it's a function of me being just really really tired lately. i haven't had a vacation since december, and even though it was relaxing and i got to see my family, dunx and brad, bone, laura, it was december and it was the holidays and i was on the living room couch in my dad's house which is really the last place i think i'd want to go to relax, so it wasn't really a vacation as much as it was a field trip with a few really refreshing encounters mixed in. there's that and there's been a pretty non-stop stream of ridiculousness since i'd say about march, but if you pressed me i could likely chase it down further than that.

so anyways i'm really thankful for friends, mostly because they've really kept me going here lately, which leads to another puzzlement in and of itself, mostly because i've felt lately i've like been kind of distant from people, even though when i think a bit harder about it, that's not really the case at all. lisa called wednesday morning, i've talked to bone a few times this week, link got the package i sent him and i've gotten to talk to him quite a bit and i got to talk to laura on sunday morning which was just totally ridiculously great.

even better than that is the feeling of being known, if that makes any sense. i really have a deep apprecation of when people can perceive things in me that i might only marginally be aware of, and there's a couple of times i've gotten that feeling this week. like yesterday when i went to the gym, i was talking with kacey just sort of about the same stuff i'm writing about here, how i've been feeling sorta worn out and almost immediately he said that he'd noticed it and that he could see it in my eyes. anybody that knows me knows that i really have a distaste for the random "what's wrong?" or "what's the matter?" and what i thought was so cool was that it seemed like he figured that i'd talk when i felt like i wanted to as opposed to trying to dive right in and wanting to fix all my problems.

the other one would almost seem to be contradictory, but i called kris on tuesday nite, usually she calls me, but i didn't know if she was working or not or when she was planning to go to bed, and it was getting late and i defintely didn't want to miss her. later on she asked me if everything was ok with me because i hadn't waited for her. i guess more than anything i thought that was really sweet because it required some thought, i'm huge on thoughtfulness, it wasn't one of those deals where i've got a different expression on my face for a few minutes which prompts someone to ask a really stupid question, she picked up on something i don't figure many people would have and to me that said a lot.

so anyways, i'm ok, i've grown up too fast, and i'm too busy, but i'll be ok.

feeling: better
thinking of: october, again
music: "life on other planets" bill mallonee