out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks.

or so i've heard. so i was feeling sort of bad for myself earlier this week, not quite self-pitying, but definitely bordering on it and definitely not the sort of encouraged attitude people associate with me. mostly i was just sort of wallowing around in a mood that was definitely not characteristic of me, an antic disposition, if you will. it was weird, because what i was feeling was pretty substantive, but at the same time, i had this suspicion that the feelings i was having came mostly as a result of me projecting stuff on other people that just wasn't indicative of reality.

i got sort of sick of it after a while, and started to realize that what i was perceiving wasn't really reality at all, and that i didn't really like the feelings i was having either. so anyways, i prayed. what i asked for was simple, that i wouldn't get caught up in insecurity, which was fueling the feelings i was having and that i would perceive reality accurately, based on stuff that i knew to be true, as opposed to stuff that i just suspected based on insecurity. now i don't want to get into a diatribe about the efficacy of prayer or anything like that, that's not really the story and it's definitely the sort of thing that stirs up some passionate convictions, or at least some passionate apathy, and on top of all that it's not really my bag anyway, the whole opinionated diatribe thing.

self-pitying feelings are a weird thing in and of themselves, they're the scourge of many people's existence, but they're the sort of thing that, at the same time, defines those same peoples' existence. what i mean is that i've noticed that people whose lives are characterized by self-pity would have no idea about how to live should those feelings be stripped away from them, that despite all their articulated wishes that they could be rid of those feelings, they'd be sorry to see them go. that's not to merely paint in broad strokes, i know that's not the case for everyone who deals with self-pity and related emotions, but i've seen enough to be aware that situations like that aren't rare. i didn't understand the reluctance to let go of those feelings until sometime earlier today, when i'd realized that i'd gotten exactly what i'd prayed for and then wondered where those feelings went, and then sort of wished, for a moment, that i could feel cruddy like i did earlier this week.

it's funny, because when i asked for what i did, i didn't even really stop to think about whether i really wanted it or not, and what i've come up with was that the desire that i articulated was more or less characteristic of my personality, what's in my heart, if you can go along with that.

i won't say anything about cognitive dissonance, not today anyways, but i do have some pretty amazing friends.

feeling: free
thinking of: conversations from today
music: "you're not alone" MxPx