i have a Y chromosome

it was a weird moment i just had, a moment of emotional overload. i'm not entirely sure otherwise how to describe it. i was in my office and it just sort of felt like i'd come face to face with every single thing in my life that i perceive to be wrong, or maybe not wrong, but less than i want it to be.

i'm at home now, opportune time, around midday, because i'd probably have come home for lunch anyway. it was weird, i wanted to get out of there as fast as i could and probably take part in some sort of anesthetizing behavior.

it was one of those moments where you want to cry, but you can't. jim goad wrote about something like this once, he said:

I wish I could cry, but men are weaned from crying to the point where they become incapable of it. I'm convinced that men live shorter lives primarily because we're not allowed to cry. Boys can do it, but it's eventually beaten out of you, often literally. Men just have to bite down and swallow and let it ravage their innards. Women, well, they bawl at everything. They cry at yellow lights and raindrops and misplaced shopping coupons. They're especially good at crying when you need to cry and can't.

i dunno if i don't cry because i feel like i'm not allowed, i definitely don't feel like i shouldn't because of any kind of external constraint. i suspect in my case the weaning was way more covert than it was overt, and that jim is right.

my innards definitely feel ravaged, and as i'm reading over the rest of this entry, i'm realizing that i'm not as bad off as i seem to be sounding, that i'm in better shape than i'm letting on. i'm not sad or anything or upset, or pissed, or devastated or anything like that, i just want an emotional release and right now i seem to be getting everything but that.

feeling: emotionally overloaded
thinking of: immersion
music: "hope to carry on" caedmon's call