sometimes, i'm astounded by my own self-ignorance.

specifically i'm thinking of things that i've learned in the past, and then had to re-learn, and then re-learn, and then re-learn again. the whole thing's been particularly real lately in a couple of ways. i mentioned the other day that i've been frustrated with some stuff and that frustration's led to a real lack of emotional energy. i've also been at a bit of a low-ebb as far as my level of physical energy goes.

anyways, you know how the conventional wisdom goes whenever you're feeling that way. you're so worn out that you don't want to expend any more energy, because given how you're feeling, to do so would seem to be fantastic folly. nothing else is working though, you try going to sleep a bit earlier and it just serves to make you groggy in the morning because it screws with your natural clock. maybe you withdraw a bit from people around you because you lack the energy interaction would require, but that just leads to increased isolation, which drains you even more, and then you're at your wits' end, and in that moment you realize the utter uselessness of holding on to whatever it is you're holding on to.

so anyways, i wrote an email to a friend. it wasn't a long one by any stretch, and to be honest even that was a really hard thing to do, not because i didn't want to or anything like that, but because it was so difficult for me to tear myself away from the idea that i didn't have anything at all to give, even something as easy as writing an email. i get the feeling that we've all been there. there was that and the hour-long cardio workout that i did yesterday. neither of those are things that are revolutionary in as much as i'd done them both before, and there's truly nothing at all spectacular about writing a two or three sentence email or spending an hour with an elevated heart rate.

maddening and rewarding all at the same time was the fact that i knew that making the effort to write that email and taking that hour to workout, despite the threats they posed to my immediate comfort, offered me sources of energy that i wasn't able to easily perceive prior to making that effort. i'm here now in a way better state of mind, and less worn out emotionally, mentally and physically than i was before.

i am a bit sore tho.

feeling: better
thinking of: tiger balm
music: "blank" value pac