Jonas Ortiz--September 20, 1982-August 11, 1999

four years ago today. four years and it's so ridiculously difficult for me to believe that so much time has passed since then. that was a messed up day. the story actually started about a week before that, when he got shot. that was on my birthday, i remember getting home that night, being there for a few minutes and then getting the phone call and finding out what had happened. pretty much immediately, we took off for the hospital. from the get, it didn't look good, he'd been hit in the head, but he hung on for just over a week before he crossed over.

i realize that it's largely trite and cliche to talk about how close we were and all the other stuff that comes with death. the questions like "why him?" and the statements like "he was so young, just 16", stuff like that. i still don't really know why, and i suspect that questions like that are never answered to anyone's satisfaction in lifetimes that we can perceive. they've never been answered to my satisfaction, that's for sure.

what's humbling, however, is the realization that my satisfaction is not of paramount, or even peripheral significance. realistically, there is pain, and i had to get used to living without someone close to me, that wasn't easy and it took easily a year before i got over that. what blew my mind was that that coincided with the point where i realized that reality for me and reality for jonas was so radically different. c.s. lewis weighs in, you knew he would, saying

"a man's dying is more the survivor's affair than his own."

those questions and concerns and doubts that i have don't matter, not because they're trivial, but because they don't matter to Jonas, not anymore anyway.

rest in peace, Jonas, and know that you're missed.

feeling: joyful
thinking of: heaven
music: "see you in heaven" guardian; "hold me jesus" rich mullins; "my name is jonas" weezer